The House that Silence Built

4 Days and Counting....not a word.

Well, he's not being rude or nasty...he's just not speaking. I guess there's really nothing to say. I say "hi" and "bye" but get a one word grunt from him. He sits on the usual. No, he's not depressed and sitting on the couch because I'm leaving...this is what he does. Sunny days, rainy days, week days, week ends. Sits on the couch and bitches about the "condition" of our house...all the little things that need fixing. Still cussing about the guy who built the house - okay - we've been here 4 years...what are you gonna do? Sit and bitch bitch bitch. While I go to work each day and come home to a lump on the couch who hates our home, hates every job he has ever had, acts as if he dislikes my son intensely (never seeing any of the wonderful qualities - only the "awful" behavior that no one sees but him) and now, hates me as well.

He's been out of work since November - I KNOW how hard that must be for him. I've been supportive, "Don't worry, Baby - your job is out there. You'll find it." only to find out that it's ME that's the problem. He's pissed off only at me. He's "willing" to go to marriage counseling...but unwilling to go through individual counseling.

Last June, I told him I was leaving unless he agreed to marriage counseling. He said - "Goodbye" and then went and signed up for a bunch of computer dating sites. After a few days (of silence) -  he told me he wanted to work things out. He had been thinking and realized that since he was starting to take care of his body (going to the Dr. for physical) he could use a mental tune up as well. I told him how happy that made me but, since I had been hearing empty promises for so long - he would need to make the appt to show me that he is committed to joining me in "fixing" our marriage issues. He said he was willing to make an appt but he had no clue how to find a therapist. Didn't know how to interview or determine if they would be good for us and asked me to please find one and give him the number. So I got the number of a male marriage counselor that I had heard of having great success. I gave him the number and he said, "I'll call tomorrow."

As the Summer passed, I asked him a few times if he called, he promised to call the next day, I even EMAILED him the name and number of the counselor in August. 

Then, the Summer  turned to Fall. He was being a bit nicer but it was all on the surface. As soon as I mentioned counseling or the difficulties I was having in communicating with him - I would get to hear about all of my failures and shortcomings. When he lost his job in November, we lost our health insurance. Not only was marriage counseling no longer an option, but I had to stop seeing MY therapist. Oh, yeah, I'd been in therapy over the past year and a half to work on my issues and own my own shit.

I'm so tired of living in a house without mirrors. All of the issues are my fault - that's why he's (once again) WILLING to go to marriage counseling and NOT go to individual counseling. 

My biggest concern is that the "advice" for leaving someone who has NPD traits is to - almost - dehumanize them. Not fall for the "let's stay together and work this out" because it's merely a ruse to keep their "Supply" in place. I think it's natural for me to feel empathy and compassion for him. It's natural for me to want to stay and work on this...but I'm also realizing that I would be the only one working. Marriage counseling keeps ME at the forefront of our issues.

I'm numb but hurting - how is that even possible????

Thank you!!

Thanks to all of you who have sent such sweet messages to me. 

I am doing better today. I feel more resolved and focused and ready to move on. It's scary but necessary. 

Interestingly, I was reading the blog of a woman who was married to a man who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and....OHMYGOD! The guy she was married to sounded eerily similar to my soon to be ex. The DVSM has a list of 9 traits -  a "score" of 5 or more of those traits  points to the actual disorder. My husband has 4 of the traits.

After reading about others who have been in love with, married to or otherwise involved with people with NPD, I feel much more resolute instead of the strong one minute and crying like a 6 year old girl the next. I haven't shed one tear today....even during an hour long emergency therapy session. 

I feel much stronger today than I have in a few weeks and I know that a lot of it is because of the support from you who read and responded to my last entry. MB - you said that words don't mean shit and I know that you're right but just knowing I'm not alone makes me feel....not so alone.

Thanks again for your support!!!

Not a happy time...

Tomorrow, I am going with a real estate agent to look at homes for rent. I am leaving my husband.

Things are bad...really bad. He's angry and miserable and, apparently, I am the cause of all his misery. When I told him that I could be out of the house by April 1st, his response was, "I could not care less". A few hours later he apologized and told me that he "divorce is against his beliefs". Not, "I want to work this out, I love you and will do whatever it takes"....

Meanwhile, my anger and sadness goes back 5 years. I've begged him to go to counseling with me - he refuses, I've told him clearly and succinctly what I need from him. He doesn't care. I'm tired of not being considered as a partner in our relationship. He makes major purchases ($1500 guitar...not once but 3 times) without even talking to me...why? Because he made more money than $20K more per year. Which got brought up every time he wanted to belittle my financial contribution. Also, I get NO emotional support from him at all. When I was up for a MAJOR professional award and asked him to go to the dinner (where the winner would be announced), his response was, "Why would I want to sit around in a suit and hear you talk about work with people I don't know?". This is just one example of his lack of support and respect for me. 

It's gotten to where I can't stand coming home anymore. Home should be my haven, a safe place - free of constant criticism and anger. I'm sad that it's come to this but I'm looking forward to some breathing room.

Why Leonard????

When I was a of my BEST memories was spending time singing with my dad. He would get out his acoustic guitar and - more like a binder...that looked as if it had been involved in the Big that, I mean, order out of chaos.

The "binder" was orange - kinda...and pink - kinda...and had a weird psychedelic pattern on it. I didn't know that it was "psychedelic" - I was probably 6 years old when I first saw it.

When he opened it up, musical score sheets - guitar chord sheets - lyric sheets - album cover art - HIS art (my dad is an amazing artist)- would all tumble out and whatever sheet landed face up would be our first "number".

The music...
People thought it was pretty amazing (and amusing) that a 7 year old girl knew all of the words and melodies to Eleanor Rigby, Horse with No Name, Bridge Over Troubled Water, The Sounds of Silence...etc. All of those songs were great but, for some reason, the song that I loved to sing with my dad the most was Suzanne by Leonard Cohen.

My dad would play the guitar and harmonize with me while I sang the melody. The song has haunted me all of these years. Something about this phrase:

She'll feed you tea and oranges that come all the way from China

I don't know - the way my dad sounded when he sang it made it sound as if tea and oranges from China were the most amazing and exotic items that one person could feed to another. When my dad sang "Suzanne" - he really sounded like he was in love with her...this woman who "has touched your perfect body with her mind"...and I guess, I fell in love with her a little too.

So that's where my love of Leonard Cohen began...then, one day, I heard a song by him that, for some reason, I hadn't heard before. If It Be Your Will. Now, Leonard doesn't have the greatest voice *cough* understatement *cough* but this song is my new Suzanne. 


Just because....

I never blog about music...why? I LOVE music and have varied tastes and strong opinions. So here's what's in my head....

I was thinking about a conversation I had with my best friend. I had called him to tell him that I had just purchased a mini van. It was kinda cool as mini vans go. Tinted windows and a spoiler (seriously...a fucking spoiler!), power rear windows and side doors. I was telling him about all of the features and the great deal I had gotten. He listened patiently and when I paused for a breath, he sighed and said, "There went the LAST of your cool points." I was dumbstruck...because I realized how fucking TRUE it was. Then I started laughing so hard that I peed a little.

As I was driving home this evening, I had my cool Zune hooked into the stereo of my 2006 Honda (company car...I think I got some cool points back) when what song should pop up? "Slip Slidin' Away" by Paul Simon. I remember as a teenager, laughing hysterically at that song - at how stupid it was...I've loved Paul Simon since I was a little kid but I thought that song was shit. As I was listening to the lyrics and really trying to understand what he was saying, I realized..."wow, this song IS shit" and I deleted it from my Zune.**

**For you Paul Simon fans who try to tell me differently...listen to the FUCKING lyrics. Harry Chapin did those kinds of songs MUCH better.

But I digress, I would "normally" be embarassed if someone found out that I had that song (and several others) on my mp3 player...because it means I consciously CHOSE to add that song(and several others) to my playlist. Guilty pleasures are interspersed with some great I have decided to take a chance that I'll be "outed" for the dork that I am. In shuffle mode, I'm going to list the 1st 10 songs that pop up....okay, I'm scared and excited all at once...can't wait to see what happens...wait, the thing is - oh, okay, hold on, here it comes....can we stop for a moment and comment on how amazing it is that I can type and work my Zune thingy at the same time?....

1) The Boxer - Paul Simon *see - TOLD you I like him
2) Still Thrives this Love - k.d. Lang - not saying anything
3) Save Me - Aimee Mann from the Magnolia Soundtrack - I will break your neck if you say a WORD against Aimee Mann...seriously...I'll send people to your house.

So, that's meeeeee...hold on a sec....from the ranks of the freaks who could never love anyone....sorry - got distracted..okay

4) That Girl Could Sing - Jackson Browne - had a MAJOR crush on him since I was a kid...which led to my dating Jerry Thomas who looked EXACTLY like him.....mmmmm Jerrrrry - what a cute boy he was...sigh.

5) Southern Man - Neil Young - this song STILL gives me chills every time I hear it...still.
6) Refugee - Tom his voice, love love love his voice.
7) Rusty Cage - Soundgarten...say what you will about grunge - Chris Cornell has an EXTRAORDINARY voice

8) I will follow - idea...not a bad song but *shrugging*
9) Mr Jones - Counting Crows - another band that became hack but I love that ugly dude's did he get such hot chicks? I never bought the "little boy lost" gimmick. I love his voice but not enough - to - you know....

and for the FINAL SONG....

10) Joey - Concrete Blonde...

major disappointment this is number 10..frown..don't even REALLY like that song.

Oh LOOK! Number 11 is Leonard Cohen "If It Be Thy Will"!!!! Can I use that one instead???? Great! Thanks!

Tomorrow - why Leonard Cohen is my "Dream Date"....

Zune Thingy
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    crazy crazy


It's been two weeks since I've posted...tsk tsk to me. I've been extremely busy at my new job. Even though I'm crazy busy, it's oddly rejuvenating. The people I work with are extremely cool - it's a very laid back crew...just as they seemed to be in the interview. They all work really hard but no one really sticks to a schedule and no one checks on me...ever!

At the end of my first "week" (I started on a Wednesday), I sent my boss an email with the following week's schedule...(my "to do" list) as well as informing him that I had a personal appointment that week and would have to "punch out" a little early one day. His response?

"No need to report all your comings and goings. Keep me apprised of developments and update your calendar and we are all god."

He was responding using his phone so - either, he made a common spelling error OR he's pushing some kinda Buddhist agenda which is inappropriate in a work setting....anyhoodle. I was quite happy to receive his response and I make it a point of going into his office once a week to tell him that I'm NOT going to tell him where I'm going or what I'm doing that day. He seems to enjoy me...but who knows?

Obviously, there's not a lot of supervision, but this also means that there's very little guidance and there's certainly no "training". I've always been a self-starter so it's fun but it's also tempting to fuck off sometimes.

Also, I don't have an office of my own yet...I'm currently using a small conference room as a "work space" *sidenote* when I showed the "workspace" to my son, he said, "work space or office?" - you fans of The Office will understand why I peed a little.

My office is almost completed. It's nice to work for a developer that owns it's own construction company. Despite not having an office, I've actually made a few pissed off tenants really happy by resolving outstanding issues. Not bad for my first 3 weeks.

Can you say contradiction????

Okay, so I had this hummingbird design in mind for my tattoo blah blah blah. I found a better more colorful design that isn't as "hack" as a hummingbird. Lots of people get hummingbird tattoos and I wanted something as a memorial to my Nanny - a woman as colorful and unique as my tattoo....yes, I got it....last night. It took 4 hours. Tattoos are less painful when you're a big huge fat chick. Fat pads needle + bone = ow!

But I love it and would do it all over again!

The background will be pink when the blood spots disappear.

Having a BLAST!

So I only worked 3 days last week but so far so good. It's obvious that there's no micro-managing here and everyone treats everyone else like an adult...of course it's still early. I've already picked which of the partners is perceived by everyone to be "an asshole". He reminds me of another person (who I shall refer to as "M")who was perceived that way but I got along splendidly with him.

In fact, "M" was a wonderful mentor to me and helped get me promoted every way he could (at my old job). After he left (back in 2003) - he continued to keep in contact with me...we remain friends to this day.

On the other hand, M had certain (extremely reasonable) expectations and as long as they were met - he was a wonderful person to work with....additionally, he never treated me poorly in any way. So, I'm going with the notion that even though this new guy is NOT M, I'm not going to let other's perceptions color my dealings with him...and if he turns out to actually BE an asshole, I promise you'll hear about it.

I have a lot of work to do - I'm basically setting up the mgmt company...from the ground up. I'm so EXCITED! I feel motivated once again. It's been so long since I truly looked forward to Mondays.

Six months from now I may be eating my words but right now I'm happy and happy is good.

Merry Happy!!!

and although it was over quickly...I must admit that I'm glad it's over. I will finally be able to relax this week.

Last Tuesday, I went down to visit my mom in DC and accompanied her to her company Christmas Party in Falls Church. It was at a lovely little French restaurant with impeccable food. I had the Lobster Bisque and tasted my mom's escargot (which I really liked). The main course was Filet Mignon (the only recognizable thing on the menu...I'm a French Food retard) with little teeny tiny fresh green beans...they were ADORABLE! Someone who works for the company decided to "share" a bottle of 1910 wine...some kind of desert wine. Hmph. Desert my ASS. It was NASTY...tasted like someone peed into a bottle full of gasoline. As everyone else "oohed" and "aaaahed", I tried not to throw up in my mouth as I gulped my iced tea. 1910 should have KEPT that shit. Ugh...nastiness.

Wednesday night, I went out with some of my tenants who wanted to do a goodbye happy hour for me. So sweet! I had 2 drinks, some delicious bar food and went home.

Spent the rest of the week running around like crazy. Filled my gas tank up 3 times within 7 days!!! That means that I drove over 700 miles since Tuesday. I thought my time off from work would be relaxing...

Had a fabulous time with my best friend and went to his mom's house on Sunday for brunch. Ended up staying there until well past 8:00 - which was really fun! The funniest part was watching him get SO irritated with his mother. It amused me...mostly because when my mother irritates me - he gets perversely delighted. It's part revenge and part joy - just seeing "the look" on his face. Those of us with mothers know "the look" well.

My mom was here from Monday until today. The look was plentiful. It was a pleasant visit although I found out that there is something "wrong" with the fact that I don't decorate for Christmas. I do a very lovely tree and sometimes manage to get lights up on the bushes outside but other than that...

In my neighborhood (central Suburban Hell) there is a contest to see who can light up their homes in the gaudiest fashion. Late at night, I fantasize about roaming the streets with a knife, poking holes in all of the inflatable santas, snow globes, penguins, and carosels. I want to slash them all until they topple limply in their perfectly mowed front lawns. Then I would pee on the colorful flaccid plastic and laugh and laugh.

For Christmas, my hubby gave me a gift certificate to a tattoo place that I've been mentioning for the past year...mentioning = nagging to death. I want to get a memorial tattoo for my grandmother. She loved hummingbirds and gardenias so I have a basic design in mind. I'm really hoping that one of the artists there can capture what I want...and imbed it into my skin with a really sharp dirty needle.

I know that people have different ideas about tattoos...blah blah blah. I love good art work - no matter the medium. The only requirement I have (FOR MYSELF) with regards to a tattoo is that I think on it for awhile. I currently have 1 tattoo that I've had for 15 years. I first got the idea for the tattoo and waited for 3 years to be absolutely sure I wanted it. I've never regretted getting it. The idea for the memorial tattoo for my Nanny came to me several years ago but I only settled on a design idea about 4 years ago. I'm sure I want this. The only iffy thing is that I wanted it on my upper arm. Due to the amount of loose skin, however, I'm worried that if I ever get the $ for plastics - it'll screw up the tattoo. We'll see though. There's always the shoulder blade.

So there's that...more later...maybe.